Love

Smile even when it hurts

2009-04-28T16:38:00.001+08:00

Won't be updating here anymore. This blog will serve as a memory and a reminder not to make the same mistakes again.

This is where The End starts.

The Final End

2009-04-26T17:38:00.003+08:00

That's it. Today, I chose not to help him cover up his lies anymore. It's the end. Everyone knows once enen does something like that to hurt someone, it means she no longer loves the person anymore and has given up hope.

The difference between 89 and 90 is indeed very big. I am childish in the way I handle things. Maybe one day I will learn to be matured. But not now. Let me handle things the way I want to, and have a good rest after this...

Thanks for hurting me. It has made me stronger.

Gone for good

2009-04-26T14:18:00.002+08:00

爱你有多痛你不了

I was so frightened yesterday morning. Silently screaming your name in my heart. I clung onto Andy so tightly and was crying hysterically. It wasn't you who was there..

My 18 years in life, yesterday morning was the biggest fright I ever had. Compared to what almost happened in 2004, this was even more scary. But I guess you didn't believe me. Perhaps you thought I was coming up with stories just to get your attention.

Forget it. I did everything you wanted me to do. But in the end, you never kept any of your promises to me. You even hooked my pinky. What's it for? Just to pacify me? I don't need lies...

I will never forget that last night we had, and everything you said.
小公主我爱你 will always belong to only me..... No matter whether you are here or not.

3 weeks

2009-04-24T11:33:00.002+08:00

I really hoped you meant what you said to me. But your actions proved otherwise. You don't care anymore. Yesterday was horrible. I vomited ten over times the entire day and it was so painful. Really wish that you were right here with me. But you weren't, and never will be...

You're heartless. Why can't I be too?

Deceits

2009-04-21T07:00:00.005+08:00

How it feels to be alone, you wouldn't know. It's easy for you. Don't have this, you still have that.

If I'm still wearing your tshirt to sleep, am I really over you?

When you break me into nothing, don't you know?

2009-04-21T00:02:00.003+08:00

Things don't matter anymore. Whether you were true or lying, it's everything of the past. My life now only has school and work. Working myself to exhaustion so that I won't even have the slightest energy to think of you too much.

我曾经深爱着你
现在只剩舍不得

They were all your promises, not mine. You're the one who broke them all and broke my heart over and over again. What have I done wrong towards you? I loved wrong, this is the price I have to pay.

One day I will mean all of this I said. Right now, let's just pretend till it becomes real..

爱上一个不回家的人

2009-04-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

Giving up. Happy with the outcome?

Would hurt turn to hate?

2009-04-20T16:20:00.002+08:00

I'm messed up. Why is it there are so many people injecting all sorts of negative thoughts into my head? I really wanted to believe and trust him. But everyone else is making it so hard. Even random strangers that I don't even know. I really wonder, are they trying to help or screw me up? I wish I never heard all these negative thoughts or all those evil things to get back at him. I'm easily influenced. I really tried very hard not to be the same like before. I remember in the past, I was so impulsive that I would do anything to make myself feel better. That was me, selfish. But through time, I learnt to spare a thought for others.. But because of this, the pain I've got to endure is so much more. And sometimes I still feel so bitter when I feel that there's no one to take this pain away from me, or rather no one to share this pain with me and wonder why do I have to put myself through this?

How simple it would be if I could just hate you for hurting me. Like what my friend said, I should destroy the guy who's destroying me, since he doesn't even care. But do I even bear to?

I still love you.

Not here anymore

2009-04-20T08:00:00.003+08:00

First day of work, I was alone.
Today's my first day of school, I'm alone too...

You promised that you'd always be there for me, but you're not here anymore..

What can I do to receive love from you again? :(

This sucks. You'll never know how I feel anymore.

Impossible to forget

2009-04-19T11:46:00.001+08:00

& my eyes see it all so clear
It was long ago and far away but it never disappears
I try to put it in the past
Hold on to myself and don’t look back

我恨我爱你

2009-04-19T10:07:00.004+08:00

I've already lost you, why do I even bother if you will hate me?

God knows what the hell is going on right now. A crazy guy pops out of no where ridiculously saying that he will stand up for me because fong is responsible for what I am going through yet he's not here with me. Sigh. What this guy say is somehow right though.. But I don't know who is he, and it's really bothering me. I doubt it's anyone I know, because he seems to know fong's girlfriend and none of my friends know her. Perhaps one of her friends or one of his friends who kpo into my life. Zzz..

How much I wish someone would stand up for me and let him know how much he's hurt me. But, I'm not that selfish. I am selfish to a certain extent. But I will never hurt someone on purpose. Cos I can't stand it when people hates me.

He's caused me so much pain and misery. Yet I still try my best to protect him. Right now, I think I've failed in protecting him. What could I do? It's beyond my control.

Got a very strong feeling this crazy guy will screw things up for me. Gosh, Kill me please. Why do I have so many stalkers in my life?!

Maybe I never should have existed. Thank goodness I have work and school to keep me occupied and tired to prevent myself from thinking too much. Yesterday was my first day of work and it was really exhausting. I will endure...

The distance between us gets bigger and bigger. And soon a wall will be built up between us marking impossible..

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase...

我怀念的

2009-04-19T01:54:00.001+08:00

With you, everything was so sweet. There was never once a bitter time, till you left...

最爱是你

2009-04-19T01:45:00.002+08:00

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it...

In the end, I still lost control. I don't wish to be alone by myself. I want you by my side... I don't have the determination to leave you, because I don't want to. Really wish that it's possible for me to forget you. Yes, it's possible. But in my heart, you're still the one I love the most. Why would I want to forget this?

You'd probably never talk to me ever again if your girlfriend doesn't forgive you. Tell me, WHY IS LOVING YOU SO PAINFUL? That I have to sacrifice so many things for you, yet you can't even be here for me anymore...

If I don't love you, I'd have screwed you up long ago..

But I do, I really do...

Ruo Yan Ren Bu Zhi, Chu Fei Ji Mo Wei

2009-04-18T13:42:00.003+08:00

Every single time I look at my wrist, I'm reminded of the foolish act I did the night you left me. Superficial scars will fade in time, what about the one in my heart?

You promised that you wouldn't ignore me again, but this is what you chose to do. For her, you hurt me. Right from the start, you knew if she were to come back to you, you'd choose her over me. Yet you chose to give me false hopes, thinking that we could last forever.

Every single time I think of this pain, I have to ask my heart to forgive you all over again. I'm really getting tired somehow, because you promised to pull me through this, but you're not keeping your word...

Why am I the one who has to suffer alone?

I know I still love you. It's impossible for me to go out with another guy when you're still in my heart.

Tomorrow is the 19th.

Denial

2009-04-17T11:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's not that I don't understand why you're being so cruel to me, it's just that I refuse to accept it. From time to time, I break down and question, why this outcome? I know the answers, but I just wish I could hear something else..

Baby, say you'd be coming back.. Say that you love me and that you can't bear to hurt me. Say you'd never ignore me nor neglect me ever again...

I'm just so afraid of screwing things up again, I'm gathering up all my strength to be strong and not turn backwards. So afraid that I would lose even that little bit of love you have for me, so afraid that you will forget me, so afraid that I'd no longer be your special xiaogongzhu in your heart.

Last night, I was on the phone with Gabriel. What he said is right... It's not possible for someone to say that they will wait forever. What if there's no outcome? Then it would have all been in vain. There is definitely a time limit, isn't it? But... how long? I have waited years before. What if it takes years this time round, too?

It's not like I'm unwanted. But why do I feel so unwanted? I've got guys wanting to chase me. But how could I even accept their dates when my heart only has my Baby dearest? All types of guys there are.. better qualities, better looks... In the end, they're not the ones I want to be with.

Afraid to move forward. I just wish to either stay put here, or run back into your arms.

Bi... My dabendan Baby.
:'(

Living in the memories of Us

2009-04-17T00:57:00.000+08:00

Baby, when will you hold me in your embrace again? :( I miss the way you hold me in your arms..

I need you here with me

2009-04-17T00:46:00.000+08:00

It's not that you purposely neglect me. I know you're not allowed to talk to me anymore. But at times like this when I sincerely need you, it hurts so bad. I wish you're here to comfort me. I know, life's like this. I have to get used to it or I won't be able to survive. But I just wish for a little comfort to feel better...

As time goes by, I really start to wonder... Baby, are you still loving me?

Sigh.

Bittersweet

2009-04-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

I read those past conversations we had. I smiled and laughed till I broke down in tears.

I miss you Baby.

Our love will never be denied

2009-04-16T17:08:00.000+08:00

Time and time again, I tell myself to be strong, for you. I won't be defeated like this. One day, I'd be in your arms again...

All the things you say to me repeat in my mind over and over again. In the end, I still chose to trust and believe everything you said.

That moment when you looked into my eyes and said, 小公主我爱你, I knew you didn't want to do this, didn't mean to put me through this.

But humans are humans. It's never easy to put the past down..

One last memory

2009-04-07T10:29:00.002+08:00

Many things happened recently and threw my life off track. Fong & I have brokened up, something which I honestly didn't expect. We were so close together, it didn't seem like anything could go wrong. But human's emotions cannot be predicted. It's hard to let go of something in the past, I understand. He had to leave because he couldn't put his past relationship down. He had to be firm in his decision so he wouldn't continue making more mistakes.

It was a short 1 and a half month together, but time doesn't mean a thing. Perhaps I never should have said that I love him, but I really do. Searching deep down into my heart, if I don't love him, I would never be able to understand him and forgive the things he do.

Our last night together, 4th April. He surprised me at my doorstep, calling me to open up the door. I couldn't look at him in the eye initially, I was crying before he came. Eyes were red and puffy, I felt really exhausted. I tried to be normal around him. I wanted to hug him so badly, after not seeing him for 2 weeks plus due to his SOL, but I didn't. Afterall, he wasn't my boyfriend anymore then.

He brought over some of his army clothes for me to wear. 1 Navy tshirt and 3 singlets. :) But I didn't wear them for him to see. Too shy! :X

Kept my distance from him. But he came over and laid his head on my tummy and lap. My heart ached, so badly. Silently sayanged his head. Silence hanged in the hair, but feelings were felt so clear. Our 舍不得 and aches. I didn't want to cry, but how could I not? I controlled the tears and snuggled into his arms, protected in his tight embrace. His soft kiss upon my forehead, sayanging my head, all his little actions telling me how he sorry he is and he really didn't mean to hurt me.

We kissed, we made love like before. That moment, it didn't feel like anything's changed between us. He fell asleep for awhile after that, and I just sat at my table thinking through many stuffs. Emotions went haywire, I felt angry, I felt hurt, I wanted explanations. I woke him up and confronted him about many stuffs. Went to bathe, dressed up, and wanted to head out just to chill off alone. But he didn't allow me to leave. He couldn't give me an answer to my questions, yet he didn't allow me to leave. I allowed myself to cool down for a little while, and then asked if he wanted to follow me out.

Walked all the way to Pasir Ris town park, to the swings. I sat there, but my problems didn't leave. Sat for quite awhile, and he told me, let's go back. As we walked, he held my hands in his, and we silently walked all the way back home again.

Back home, went to the toilet and vomited. He came in, patted my back and got water for me.. It reminds me of the time when he was drunk and vomited there too. Went back to the room, and I suddenly just squatted down beside the bed and hugged my knees crying. I broke down and kept asking him lots of questions. The things which are just so hard to accept, things that I wish are just the opposite. He pulled me up from the floor and I fell crying into his arms. I just kept crying and crying on his chest as he patted my back.. His eyes were red and watery too. It really broke my heart.

He laid me down on the bed and hugged me as I sobbed into his chest. Kept calling me shagua... Sigh. I miss the way he makes me feel better..

We talked, and he promised me a lot of stuffs. And he really looked into my eyes and said this to me, 小公主我爱你. It was painful to me, but still sweet and made me smile. He said that I'll always be special in his heart, I'll always be his 小公主 and he'll never forget this feeling of loving me..

One last time, we did it slow. And we fell asleep at 5am+, woke up at 1pm when he had to leave. Took PICTUREEEEES cos he promised. :D Walked him to the bus stop @ 2pm and then he left with a goodbye hug and a goodbye kiss, leaving me with photos as our memories...

Baby, thank you.
I still miss you so much.

不是爱或不爱的问题
你让我梦见太美的梦
是生命中不可承受的轻
爱真的需要一点勇气
就看我们敢不敢忘记
就让我狠狠地加速前进
脱离你所给的梦境

Our dream ends here..

Test of endurance ):

2009-04-02T00:36:00.000+08:00

Didn't get to meet Boyfriend today cos he has some army obligations and it was really a race against time. I was REALLY upset when he told me that he can't meet me today and was crying like crazy. Of course I was upset. I waited 2 weeks for today. I knew it wasn't his choice but I couldn't help but feel upset. x_x

Called him and his voice really soothed me. Anyway, told him that he can't do this again on Friday. So, yup. At least I've got the weekends with him. :)

& then we video called! Was really fun. But he was being a big bully, as usual. Rawr! With all that kissing and hugging of his bolster... What a pervert. (Okay he's going to murder me for writing this. :X) Nah, just kidding. It's his way of making me smile and laugh. HAHA. Well, I got my revenge by hugging and kissing and licking (no I didn't use my tongue to touch it. LOL) the xiaowugui. :P

Baby, miss you.

Forgot to mention, Baby got punked by me on April's Fool! :D But he punked me back too. Idiot! xoxo

I'd lock you up inside my heart

2009-03-26T05:18:00.000+08:00

Was on the phone with him, and he sms-ed me - "I'm guilty."
It made me go O.o so I asked him, guilty of what?
He replied via sms - "If loving u with all my heart's a crime, then i'm guilty.."
*giggles* Yeah, I know it's cliche. But he makes my heart melt, I swear.
I texted him back - "All your heart?"
His reply - "Actually only got one heart >.<"

He is just so adorable and he really makes me smile from my heart. :)

Always be my Baby

2009-03-26T04:43:00.000+08:00

There are so many things about the future that we don't know. But thanks for making every today so pleasant, making every yesterday so memorable, and making every tomorrow so anticipative.

Baby; it's been a short short one month plus that we've been together. Indeed it's been so sweet, and people say it's just the honeymoon period. But I really pray, cross my fingers, that all this won't ever change. Even if it does change, let it be for the better. Dearest, really appreciate you being there for me all the time. Especially at the times when I'm down and talking all sorts of ridiculous stuffs. But still, you stood by me and Baby I want to be the best for you. You said you don't want anyone to hurt me anymore, so make sure you don't hurt me either. :) And you said you'd be supportive of me as I overcome this emo-ness and learn to become more positive in every aspects of life. Thinking back, all that has happened to me the past month has really hurt me quite bad, that my thoughts were always so negative all the time. Time and time again, you reassured me that things will be alright. I can't keep it up like this, and I won't take it for granted, thinking that you'll always be there for me. Stay with me as I grow and learn.

Happiness shared is doubled; Sorrows shared is halved.
Through my smiles and tears, you were always there.

Two hearts that beat together as One.
xoxo

Six more days till I see you again!
My cutecute Hubby. :D

Always here for me

2009-03-21T06:09:00.000+08:00

"No confidence in urself at least hav some in me? I meant it if u still hav doubts..tt night when we watched push i could hav gone back camp but chose to be with u..i hope u noe tt it's not fake..wad i did, i wan u to feel happy.."

This was what you told me in the afternoon when I threw temper at you after not having proper sleep. Right after I sent that sms, I broke down in tears, totally regretting what I said. Knowing that you were only kidding and playing with me, knowing that you don't know that I'm in a bad mood, yet I still threw my temper at you. I kept saying sorry, even though you didn't really blame me. I sent you a message that was 10 sms long, filled with emo stuffs about me not knowing what is going on with my life anymore, and that I hate myself for being like this, and all the moodswings I am experiencing. You sent that message to me. Baby, thanks for being there for me. I promise I will try my best to overcome this. Hold my hands and pull me through.

I will stay happy for you.

Fated to love you

2009-03-19T22:09:00.002+08:00

Something really amazing which happened just now.

I was upset the entire day, over some issues with photos and friendster and Boyfriend. I thought he was angry with me, because he didn't reply my sms. That got me upset and thus I switched my phone off, not wanting to contact anybody at all. Initially I had intended to turn my phone on only at midnight. But being the soft-hearted me, I switched my phone on at about 8pm+ (It was turned off since about 4pm). 1 message came in, regarding the issue of the photo. But I didn't reply. It was sent to me at around 630pm. Next message at 8.42pm - "Bi wad u doing?", which I didn't reply either. And then another message - "Bi" sent at 8.55pm, which I didn't reply too. Went out of my room to play the piano for a little while. When I came into my room, I took my phone and slide it up (I was using my N95) and then I looked at the phone, and it was on call with fOng baby. I had actually picked up his phone call without even realizing it. It didn't even ring at all. So, there goes my plan of 'disappearing' till tomorrow. Guess it's fate. :) I couldn't run from him though I wanted to. I was super duper surprised. That gave me a reason not to be upset anymore.

Bi, it's our first month anni. Though we can't spend it together, I know we'll always be in each other's hearts... :)

Feels wrong..

2009-03-19T19:30:00.000+08:00

Today just doesn't feel like today without you here. I have no idea why today just seems so fucked up, like everything's going wrong. My mood just isn't right. Feeling so upset for the entire day and just wishing I could sleep and wake up realizing it's tomorrow already. Don't know why but I am so sensitive to every little details. I feel very insecured and I'm not sure what I should do. I know I'm so clingy and all but I really just can't help it. I need a pillar of support cos I'm so afraid of falling down again.

Handphone's switched off. Don't feel like talking to anyone. Don't wish to be found. Just wish to be alone and disappear for a little while, and then feel like I've been dearly missed later on.

Don't feel too good. Down with flu. Kept on sneezing the entire day and now my nose hurts. I'm hungry but don't feel like eating.

Really wish you knew how I feel. The pain that is killing me deep within... & only you know why.

I'll always love you

2009-03-19T01:40:00.001+08:00

You'll be the one I'll always need. Happy first month anni Baby.

My heart will always be with you

2009-03-18T07:27:00.003+08:00

Just reached home. Yawn! I'm so tired... But it's worth it cos I got to spend the time with my Beloved Boyfriend. :)

Went over to Bukit Batok to find boyfriend after having teabuffet at sakae with my friends.. When I told him I reached already, he told me he was at West Mall walking out already. I was wondering, he just reached few mins ago, how come go West Mall instead of just waiting for me at the MRT? But, didn't really think much about it. When we were queueing up for the ATM, he suddenly took out 2 movie tickets and gave it to me. I looked at the tickets, and a smile lit up on my face and I hugged him. :) He bought 2 tickets to the movie Push at 9pm. But I was being real retarded and went to ask him when did he go buy the tickets. -____-" After thinking abit then I realised he bought it just before I reached. Lol..

Accompanied him for dinner @ KFC. Then, for the movie. It's niceee and I really enjoyed it! I think Dakota Fanning's really very pretty... :D

2 icecream cones from Macs after the movie, and then to the playground. Ooo there's a really beautiful cat there and I actually went to touch it. :X After that, I had some pains again, and eventually missed my last train. :\ I wasn't really upset at missing it, cos I get to spend the night with Baby. :) So Baby brought me home.

@ his room, he showed me some of his sec schl stuffs. Woah his handwriting was really nice. Then he gave me the drawing which he did for me sometime back with some really sweet words. :) It's so sweet, I wanna frame it up! Haha.

One last time before he books in for 2 weeks. :( It was really nice... Fell asleep after that, and had to wake up at 4.45am. Thank goodness I set like many many alarms or we'd have overslept cos we were soooo tired. Baby got ready and then we left his house at about 5.15am. But, the first bus wasn't gonna come till 5.40am. -____-" Since Bi was scared he was going to be late, so we cabbed over to Bukit Batok MRT station. The first MRT was at 5.45am and we reached at 5.30am. -____-" So, we waited for the MRT.. Accompanied him to lakeside before going to take the opposite train back home.

I'm so tired, and I need to take off my contacts before my eyes die. T_T

I'm going to miss Baby so so so much...

Cherish all the time spent together with you

2009-03-15T20:28:00.000+08:00

Silly Baby came over about 4 in the morning, and he couldn't even walk properly! :X I was waiting for him at my house downstairs, because was worried that something might happen to him. He just entered the lift when I called him. So I ran towards the lift, and thank God the lift haven't gone up yet. When he came out of the lift and smiled when he saw me, my heart totally melted. He look super handsome (to me). Don't know why. Haha!!! Very charming!

After that, he vomited and all, so I had to take care of him till he fell asleep finally. He hugged me so tightly and when I tried to roll over to the other side of the back, he'd grab my waist and pull me back into his embrace. :P Damn sweet! I just wanted him to rest well that was why I tried to move away. But that boy, dunno whether drunk or what, kept pulling me back and trying to pull my shirt up. -.-'' He says he don't remember and that I'm making stories up. HAHA.

Woke up super early in the morning, cos of noises around the house. I get woken up very easily. :\ So poor Baby got awoken by me too when I made a lot of noises because I'm awake so early. Haha... Was tossing and turning in bed and squirming in his arms LOL. That's why kena woken up by me. We had BeeHoon for breakfast. Yum! Then proceeded back to sleep like awhile later and only woke up at around 3 in the afternoon.

I enjoy the time spent with him. Because we can just talk about anything. I love talking to him. Non stop. Hahaha. I can just spend the whole day talking to him! But he loooves calling me xiaobendan :(

Went to ehub to help Carol get movie tickets, because she was afraid she couldn't make it in time to get good seats for her show. So being the nice friend I always am, I went to ehub to get her tickets with Baby. Walked around till she came at around 730pm. Had Burger King for dinner. Burps! So full. It's been so long since I had BK.

Before that while we were walking around ehub, there was these few kids who were running around. And one of them banged into my back so hard I almost fell down. I was in total shock and then I was so pissed because that kid didn't even bother to say sorry and just ran away. I was just holding hands with Baby and walking and talking to him lar. Suddenly the kid just bang into me. Wth!! Angry... After that, got another woman pushing the pram, and the pram wheel bang into my toe. Super pain! I stood there in pain, then lean on Baby's shoulder and almost cry ler. Then Baby seem so angry about what happen. He ask me why I never say. If I say he straight scold the person already. Rahhhs. :X Damn protective of me. Lols.. But it was really damn painful and the tears well up in my eyes.. T_T Hmph. Suay man..

Waited for Carol to come and take her tix from me, before walking to interchange with Baby. 2 weeks till I can see him again... Sigh. Baby thanks for spending the entire weekend with me...

I'm so tired now. No idea why. Am falling sick. Gosh...

I'll be here when you need me

2009-03-15T05:01:00.001+08:00

:) Baby came to find me after drinking with his friends! I was soooo happy when he told me that he's coming back.

So tired. He's finally asleep. Gosh. That silly boy of mine. Wonder if he even remembers what happened? Imagine he wakes up and thinks "Where the hell am I and how did I end up here?!" Hahaha... I'm going to sleep now, too. Goodnight.

Right here with me

2009-03-14T15:43:00.000+08:00

So after that prev post, I sat on my table beside the window and started crying like hell. Cried for a super long time and I was totally losing it, then I decided to wake Baby up. He was napping because he was really tired. Think I shocked him again cos this time I was really crying super terribly. I hated myself a hell lot for all that has happened. After I finally felt better, I pulled him downstairs with me for a walk. Hee. :D Went to the fitness corner, to the playground, and then up to seashell's park playground! Hehehe. Stayed outside for maybe an hour plusplus. Didn't bring my handphone with simcard along with me, only my n95 for photos! :X When we reached home, I had my shower and then Baby was on MSN with Cass. Their conversation is so funny! When I came back from my shower, I kept on laughing and laughing! After that, Xian Bin came and picked us up, we went to Goldenmile for Pool with him and his friend. I went to play Photohunt with his friend! Haha. It was fun! :) But I love watching Baby play pool too. Mesmerizing. :X After that, we went to Mustafa to shop. LMAO. Headed down to Geylang and had Rocher Tao Huay, before heading to 201 @ Tampines to get Mac for my older brother, and then back home @ 4am! Damn tired..

Baby just left not long ago, because he's going drinking tonight. Ughhhh. I hate drinking. :X Okay I'm heading back for some sleep. :D:D:D

Guilt

2009-03-13T18:58:00.000+08:00

Everyday's just a lie. My heart shatters when I think about it. What has my life become? I fell in love with another girl's man. I'll never have anyone's heart. I was just fooling myself. Acting strong. Pretending I'm over it. I really hate myself for who I've becomed. Who will ever love me for who I am? Why is it so hard. Why am I always crying. Why don't I dare to talk about my insecurities? Simply because once bitten, twice shy. And I was strong enough to get bitten many times, before I finally hide away. Do you really think I'm fine? Do you really think I'm okay? I'm not... Why won't you make me feel better? It's not words that I need. Baby, like you said, talking doesn't cost a cent. How can I believe what you say? I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I've never been happy. It was all just pretense. Even when you hold me in your arms, how am I supposed to know it's not another you are thinking of? I've never known how it's possible to love two people with one heart. I don't think it's possible.

I fucking hate my life. I fucking feel like disappearing.

Downhill

2009-03-13T16:50:00.000+08:00

Everything's going down. It's not going to be long before I lose it. I've been breaking down in tears so often. & I swear it really hurts.

Hold my Hands

2009-03-13T11:55:00.001+08:00

It's Friday the Thirteenth. The skies are dark and it's thundering. Don't feel too good about today. I'm tired, really. Starting to hate myself just so much. I burst out crying all of a sudden last night. Guess I kinda shocked Baby. :\ I really wanted to tell him how much I hate myself, but decided not to.

He came over to find me after lunch. Brought me to catch a midnight movie, watchmen, over at downtown east. It's a M18 show, and the girl at the counter asked to check my IC, but didn't ask for Baby's. Whaaat! :( Initially we wanted to catch Coming Soon, but there was not many available seats left, Thank Goodness! I can't stand horror films. But watchmen has gore in it. Oh man. *vomits* Interesting show, but I don't understand what is it about. :X

Sigh. What is wrong with me? My head hurts just thinking about it.

The way you always make me feel better

2009-03-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

Was talking to Baby on the phone, and one of those random moodswings occurred. My mood went down and I fell silent.

"Bi 我心情不好"

"小公主为什么心情不好?"

Baby seldom calls me xiaogongzhu.
And without any prompt he called me that. :)
Well that made me feel like a hundred times better.
Thanks boyfriend.

& now he's complaining of mosquito bites.
I kinda didn't reply him cos I was typing this.
& he went - "Bi 不疼我的 :("
You can actually hear the :( Lol...

So I went, Sayang lar.
& his famous reply comes - Sayang 不到 -___-"
Because everytime I say fuck ni lar and he goes fuck 不到 *laughs*
Super big bully right. :X

Now he accuses me of bullying him.
Sigh. Super act cute. Bth.....
<3

There are just some lies I can't live

2009-03-08T14:51:00.001+08:00

I'm a bitch and I really hate myself for entering into your life. So before things get really out of hand, perhaps I should leave. I can't bring myself to do this anymore, cause it's really going to drive me crazy soon. The guilt I'm carrying, causes insomnia and tears at night. What have I become? So scary that I don't even recognise myself anymore.

I can't believe I even asked you to make a choice. Who am I to ask you to do so?

Thanks for everything. It was lovely while it lasted... But I'm hurting myself by falling in love with you, cause we can never be.

Thanks for the times that you spent with me.
Thanks for being there when I needed you.
Thanks for hugging me when I cried.
Thanks for holding my hands in yours.
Thanks for always smiling back at me.
Thanks for taking care of me.

My tears will be unavoidable.
But this time I will dry them myself...

I am sorry.

[Edit]
I guess in the end I still couldn't bring myself to leave you.

[/Edit]

I would walk a thousand miles

2009-03-04T17:41:00.002+08:00

Went to find my fongfong for dinner after my relatives left yesterday. But my Baby wasn't in a good mood, neither was I. :( He didn't want to eat! Some unpleasent stuffs happen while we were at Bukit Batok. But I told myself to calm down. Then we went to Jurong Point to eat in the end. KFC! :X

After dinner, we walked around aimlessly and ended below some HDB blocks slacking. Ahh, he took my N95 and browsed through my photos. So paiseh! Baddie Baby. T_T But he let me sit on his laps and hug me. :) Hehehe.

We stayed till about 11+, then walked back to the MRT interchange. Saw Ching Hsien. O.o but I didn't know that it was him till Baby told me afterwards.

Took the last train back! Alighted at Commonwealth and Xian Bin drove me home.

I miss Boyfriend!

A part of me

2009-03-02T07:48:00.002+08:00

Yesterday when I came back to Singapore with some relatives, we went to Chinatown and Baby came over to find us! :D Joined us for dinner, bakuteh! Yums. He helped me eat alot. Hehe. Love you Bi! After that, mummy drove us all to Vivo, just to see see. Then up to Mt Faber! Oh man, the night scenery is damn beautiful! And I got to enjoy it with Baby. :) Ask him baobao me take picture, he was reluctant cos don't want to see his face. Cheyyy Haha. Sad. And he kept disturbing me. Dabendan! After that, he had to go home le cos he need to book in. :( Then I went Clark Quey to drink.. Ew. :\ Lalala!

If only time could stop

2009-02-24T04:29:00.002+08:00

Thanks for accompanying me to pass him back the items and then accompanying me till so late because I didn't want to go back home. Sorry for being so wilfull, but I couldn't bear to leave. :(

Baby brought me to play pool! :D Then we had doublecheeseburgers and slacked under HDB blocks just hugging and talking. I didn't want to go home at all... But, no choice. He has to book in. Sigh.

Falling for you

2009-02-23T11:13:00.002+08:00

I'm falling in love with him. It's wrong, I shouldn't He has a girlfriend already. But he tells me, he's falling for me too..

15th Feb night was the first time we met. He asked me over to his place, and I went. Because I didn't want to stay home and suffocate myself thinking of Kunda.

I had to go to school the next day, yet we didn't fall asleep till about 4am. He hugged me to sleep. It's been so long since I felt so warm inside me. He was filling up the emptiness inside me. Things proceeded from the hug to something more. Our face were so close to each other, and then we kissed... I felt something in my heart spark. I know I should have stopped, but I wanted him, and I wanted him to want me too..

It didn't feel weird, it wasn't awkward. We were still close even the next few days. 19th afternoon, he came to find me after his army stuffs over at Sengkang. Cos before that, he promised to spend the entire afternoon with me. :) But ended up, he only went home past midnight. Cos we went out with my friends... Through the entire time out, I was having such bad stomach pains and he kept on sayang-ing me, showing me affections infront of my friends. It's really sweet. We held hands, hugged, kissed, and I lied on his lap in the car cos I was feeling unwell..

I think I'm really falling for you.

Not intending to let a single soul know about this blog. Though the contents will somewhat be the same as what I blog in my public blog, but definitely some other details added inside here which I don't want people to know. :) My private and personal blog concerning me and him. My secrets.